We Have To What?
by shadowgrave22
Summary: The Cullen Siblings get jobs to pay for Esme's kitchen! LOT BETTER THAN SUMMARY.
1. GET YOUR VAMPY BUTTS DOWN HERE!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except, my computer; clothes, a toothbrush, my dog, and well, you get it.**

**Esme P.O.V.**

I smiled as Carlisle pulled into the driveway of our home, thinking of the "children".

We had been on a vacation in Paris for a good month, and I decided it was time to go home. I stepped out of the car, and into my lovely home. WHAT!!?!??!?!?!?!?!? What happened!?!?!? We've been robbed!!!!!! A wall had an Edward shaped hole in it, there was whipped cream all over the floor, Emmett was hanging upside down by his foot tied to the fan, the T.V. had the screen punched out, and the kitchen was tie-dye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"**EVERYBODY GET YOUR LITTLE VAMPY BUTTS DOWN HERE NOW!!!!**"

Everybody came down, and they all had a look of panic on their face. Well, they should shouldn't they? "Carlisle, Esme, you're back!" yelled Jasper. "We weren't expecting you two home for awhile. So, how was your trip?" I hissed as Jasper tried to distract me. Wow, I've never actually hissed before. I wonder what they're punishments will be, I thought to myself before I came up with an EXCELLENT idea. Muhahahah!!! This is nice. "**JASPER WHITLOCK HALE!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED!?!**"

"Um, we were just having some fun."

"LIKE WHAT?"

"Um, well we uh-"

"WELL, SPIT IT OUT!"

"We, uh-"

"JASPER!"

"Edward can tell you." He yelled and pushed Edward towards me.

"WELL, EDWARD?"

"We, vandalized the house I admit, but"

"NO BUTS! I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU ALL YOUR PUNISHMENTS!"

"Do I have to get punished, Esme?" asked Bella.

"Hmm. Well, no seeing as I have no authority over you."

"SWEET!"

"Don't push it."

I turned to my children and told them their punishments.

"Seeing as you have no responsibility, you will all get jobs to teach you your lesson and pay for the damages."

They all looked at me with a you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look and I continued.

"Emmett, you will be a gym teacher."

"SWEET!"

"Yeah, think that."

"Rosalie, you will be a kindergarten teacher."

"I can live with that."

"Jasper, you will work in the hospital."

"**WHAT!?!?! ARE YOU MAD WOMAN!?!?!?!"**

"Maybe you will learn to control your thirst."

"**AND MAYBE I WILL MASSACRE THE THE ENTIRE HOSPITAL!!!"**

"Alice, you will be a cashier."

"YAY!!!!!"

"NO SHOPPING."

"Darn."

"Edward, you will be a piano teacher."

"I can live with that."

"OK, all of you start tomorrow afternoon."

Muhahahahh! Wow, maybe I'm turning evil. Carlisle looked at me and said, "How long you think Emmett will last?"

"He won't."

**LIKE IT? HATE IT? I need ideas about what should happen during their jobs so REVIEW!**


	2. Emmett and the child molester

**Disclaimer: I don't twilight, Stephanie Meyer does.**

**Emmett P.O.V.**

YAY!!!!! Today's the day! The sun isn't shining! I WILL BE THE BEST GYM TEACHER IN THE HISTORY OF GYM TEACHERS. I was singing Barbie Girl on the way to Forks Elementary School. **(A/N: I'm not a fruit cocktail so I wouldn't know the exact words.)**

_I'm a Barbie girl!_

_In a Barbie World!_

_Life in Plastic_

_Is fantastic!_

_You can brush my hair!_

_Undress me everywhere!_

_Imagination _

_Life is your creation!_

_Come on Barbie let's go party_

_Oohh ohhh _

**(A/N: I'm too lazy to write the rest of the song.)**

As I pulled into the employee parking area, I saw this dude staring at me. AAAHH! CHILD MOLESTER!!! WARN ALL THE NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN!!!! AH!!!!

"'sup." He said, popping the p.

"AHH!!! CHILD MOLESTER!!!! STRANGER DANGER!!!!"

"Huh?"

I got scared and panicked so I bit him. He started twitching crazily and he fell into a deep, deep sleep. **(A/N: NO HE'S NOT DEAD.)** I ran into the gym and made myself welcome.

"Hello, children! My name is Emmett McCarty Cullen! You may call me Lord of Awesomeness." The children just sat there, staring. So, I decided to begin gym class. "OK PEOPLES! 5,000,000,000,000 pushups!"

"But, we're only in 2nd grade!" complained a little loser of a boy.

"DEAL WITH IT!"

I can't believe these kids! They stopped at 200! And apparently some girl's gonna have her arms amputated or something? WHY????!!!!?!?!?!? Being a gym teacher is harder than I expected. I came back three days later to find the Child molester a vampire!!!!!!! OMC HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!!?!?!?!??!? Better, go ask Carlizzle my nizzle.

"YOU WHAT!?!?!"

"I didn't do anything, swear!"

"But you said you bit him."

"I did."

"Why?"

"HE WAS A CHILD MOLESTER!!!!"

"How do you know?"

"The elves told me."

**At E.L.V.E.S. Inc.**

Top elf: He discovered us!

Elf: RUN!!!!

Santa: JIGGLY WIGGLY.

**Back to the story…**

Then the child molester woke up! OMG!!!!!!!!!! HE THEN TRIED TO DRINK BELLA'S BLOOD BUT EDWARD WAS ALL LIKE OH NO YOU DIDN'T AND HE WAS ALL LIKE OH YES I DIID. So, that's it for me working.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Review or I will bite your head off. **


	3. Rosalie and the perverted principal

**Disclaimer: Do I look like Stephanie Meyer to you? If I do you need to get your eyes checked.**

**Rosalie P.O.V.**

Well, today is my first day of work. Eh, it can't be so bad because I'm working with kids!!! YAY!!! I got into my BMW and drove to Forks Elementary School. I was going to ride with Emmett but he was singing Barbie Girl so…. Anyways, when I pulled up all the 5th grade boys were staring at me! Well, you know I can't blame them, I'm so outrageously gorgeous. I walked into the kindergarten classroom, got ready for my glorious day, and then the kiddies came in. "Ok, since your regular teacher won the lottery and moved to Miami, I will be your new teacher!" I exclaimed to the class. A little boy came up to me and said he had a boo-boo. So, I kissed it to make it better like a real teacher! But, I'll have to tell the principal to move our class to another room because the boys are getting cuts in so many "weird places." I got along wayyyyy better with the boys than the girls. The girls kept giving me evil glares, and I swear one put gum in my hair!

During spelling time, a girl got on the table and made an announcement.

", I command you to stop stealing our boyfriends or you'll get it!!"

"Huh?"

"GET HER!!!!!"

Then they started to push me into a little kiddy chair and tied me up! Sure, I would've broken out, but then they would know our secret! They dyed my hair pink and stuffed peanut butter in my ears and made me eat… dog food! WTF? Where did they get dog food? I tried to run to get the principal but they started beating me with their pencils!

I know it didn't hurt, but still! It totally hurt my feelings.

"HELP!!!!"

"Duct tape her mouth."

"Huh?"

"DMDMFFMSMDFDSFDGFDGFMGMFMG!!!"

These aren't children, they're demons!!! Demons straight from HELL!!!!!!! I don't care what Carlisle does to me. I'm quitting! After all the children escaped from school, I went into the principal's office to tell him no more teaching for Rosalie Lillian Hale.

"Mr. Burdock?"

"Yes, Ms. Hale?"

"I quit."

"You quit? Well, that's too bad. Hey, I noticed you're a miss so I was wondering…"

"I'm married."

"Oh."

I'M NEVER EVER GETTING ANOTHER JOB AGAIN EVER!!!!!


	4. Jasper Finds A Friend

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or a monkey.**

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Stupid Esme. Making me get a job, possibly murdering innocent people, making me grumble to myself. Out of all the jobs there are in the world, why should I, Major Jasper Whitlock Hale, have to work at the hospital? Maybe Esme hates me. Why should she tell me what to do!? I'm older than her. Oh, just because she's married to Carlisle, she gets to boss us around? I should get married to Carlisle. Uh, forget I thought that.

"But Esme…"

"NO BUTS JASPER! Now, I want yours in the car!"

"Erg, you must enjoy putting lives at risk."

When we got to the hospital, Esme didn't give me time to escape. She dragged me into the hospital by one ear, and pushed me into Carlisle's office. Ew, Carlisle should clean out his office some more! He had a sandwich, pudding, and a fruit rollup on stuck to his ceiling. Why does he even have food, he doesn't eat!

"Carlisle?"

"Oh, hello, Jasper! How are you?"

"Good, uh, I guess. You should know I saw you this morning…"

"ANWAY, I thought you could work with the *cough* teens."

"Huh, I was thinking you were gonna give me something hard, but-,"

"Oh and before I forget, they're all clinically depressed, ooh, look at that I'm late for a meeting at a place with a guy, see you at home…"

Did he just say clinically depressed? This is gonna be long day. When I entered the room, a bunch of depressing and emo-like feelings came from the area. I immediately sent a wave of happiness, so a dude scrunched up in a corner wouldn't kill himself with the blade he stole. I decided to go to try to cheer up the emo- I mean CLINICALLY DEPRESSED teens. I went up to a girl with red and black hair, and shirt that was AWESOME- it was from Hot Topic. **(A/N: Isn't Hot Topic just a great store? Psh, I love it.)**

"Er, hi, um, Amber-Lynn, why don't you tell me what happened?"

"Why should I? I don't even know you."

"Ok… why don't you try doing your school-work?"

"What's the point? You're born, you go to school, you go to college and for what? It doesn't matter at the end. Why even try?"

"…" I decided to let the next dude take that patient. My next patient was a boy with jet black hair, definitely dyed. He was really pale, and had ruby-red eyes. Underneath those eyes, he has purple, almost bruise like circles under them. He hadn't touched his food.

"Hi, Blake. My name is Jasper, and I'm here to keep you company."

"H-h-hi, Jasper. C-can I speak to you in private?"

"Uh, sure."

We walked into the hallway, which wasn't really private, but there was no one in it.

"So, Blake, what do you want to talk about?"

"I-I think I'm crazy."

"What?"

"I can't remember anything. Nothing. My eyes aren't blue anymore, they're red. I don't feel like eating, at least not food. I think I want…"

"You want…" I pressed on.

"B-blood."

**Cliffy. Sorry it wasn't funny, I really am reading serious stories, so that's maybe why. Want me to update? Review, or I will cry. *Goes and cries***


	5. Alice Ruiner of Girls' SelfEsteem

**Disclaimer: You know what I'm gonna say, but I'll say it anyway. I don't own Twilight. **

_Continued From Jasper Finds a Friend…_

"_B-blood."_

**Jasper's P.O.V.**

Oh.

My.

God!

ANOTHER VAMPY HERE IN FORKS! Hmm, I should probably take him to Carlisle.

"CARLISLE!" I called even though he could hear if I whispered.

"What?"

"I found MUFFLYOP!"

"Er, my name's Blake…" said Mufflyop.

"WELL, I HAVE NAMED YOU MUFFLYOP! YOU ARE TO BE MY PET AND ETERNAL SLAVE."

"Er, not to ruin your mood, but I am kinda thirsty- HEY A HUMAN!" MUFFLYOP exclaimed, almost biting Bella.

"WHO IS THIS!?!?!" asked an irritated Eddy.

"MUFFLYOP!"

"TELL MUFFLYOP THAT HE CAN'T EAT MY FIANCEE!"

"What if he wants to?"

"Too bad."

"MY NAME IS BLAKE!" said MUFFLYOP.

Hmm, I should probably take Mufflyop hunting.

"MUFFLYOP! WE ARE GOING HUNTING!"

"Ooh!"

We got to the forest, but Mufflyop had disappeared. I could hear growls, screams, and slurps coming from the other side of the woods.

"Mufflyop, what were you doing there?"

"Er, nothing…" he said, wiping blood off his mouth.

"Ok, well since you are new, you should probably get something big!"

"Like what?"

"Er, SASQUATCH!"

"OK!"

But, unfortunately, Alice had already gotten Sasquatch. So we just got Mufflyop a bunny.

"Sorry, I gotta go." Said Alice.

"Why?" I asked.

"I gotta go start my job at Victoria's Secret."

"Ooh, maybe you could use your employee discount." I said, winking and nudging.

"Jasper, I think there's something wrong with your eyes."

"UGH, just go!"

**Alice's P.O.V.**

OMG! I am sooo excited! I am working at my favorite store! Oh, there's my first customer! Wish me good luck!

"Hello, miss. My name is Alice. Do you need any help?"

"No thank you."

_5 minutes later…_

"Miss?" asked the lady.

"Yes?"

"Do you think my husband would like this on me?" she asked. Ew, people like her shouldn't be wearing lingerie. Her thick thighs were bulging out of the openings of the lingerie. She had thick lipstick on, which was definitely not her shade.

"EW! YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER WEAR LINGERIE AGAIN! PLEASE, MISS, SPARE THE PAIN YOU GIVE YOUR HUSBANDS EYES YOU GIVE HIM EVERYTIME YOU WEAR LINGERIE! GOD, YOU ARE UGLY!"

And then , she RAN OFF CRYING! Crybaby. After Mrs. Crybaby ran away, a more thinner woman came in. She took a couple of outfits into the dressing room, or should I say UN-dressing room, and came out.

"Do you think this makes me look fat?" she asked.

"No, in fact, it makes you look anorexic. EVEN MORE ANOREXIC THAN YOU WERE BEFORE! GOD, YOU GOTTA EAT SOMETHING! PUT SOME EAT ON THEM BONES!"

Jessica Stanley was very sad and ran off crying.

**Psh, you know what I'm gonna say. Sigh, but I'll say it anyway. Review!**


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